Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.