Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.