why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
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Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.