ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
You Might Also Like
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.