Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Breaking news:
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
buys donuts instead
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.