The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft