*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
oh my god
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
welp
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
There are usually two types of merchants.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying