I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.