Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME