The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.