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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Where is your GOD now????
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up