People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
You Might Also Like
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“you changed” bro i was 15
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.