My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?