Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio