I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.