Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right