I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Yeah. This was me today.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Brother?