Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
You Might Also Like
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
A short story about romance.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.