barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
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Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
same bro
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”