“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor