23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My beach vacation Google searches
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate