Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
God, I love Scotland
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together