This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.