I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
is this a threat
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
He is just living hist best little life 😊
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds