I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Free him
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I am a gravy boat captain
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years