My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Good morning.
it was a valiant fight
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
🤣
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout