Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
so much to do
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Same pineapple, same
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.