Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.