Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference