Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning