Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?