He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Choose your fighter
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.