“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.