2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?