ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Tastes like chicken.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Best mom ever 😂
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S