Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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Love it! 👍😂
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
December birthdays be like…
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.