Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
crying
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.