Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.