It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
You Might Also Like
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me