Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Children of the corn 🌽
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle