saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens