In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
You Might Also Like
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: