A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.