I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
he was correct
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“How’s your day going?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.