I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Kermit goes Blue.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.