*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My biological clock is wheezing.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts