TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.