Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Sharon, call the vet