Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious