[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.